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a printing house in hell

enough! or too much.

back

I feel like after a weekend of escape, I've been reintegrated into the gruesomely crappy reality of things. It's a less-than-comforting idea. Lately I've noticed that this city feels more and more alien to me, as though I have less and less to attach myself to here. This weekend made me realise that my home is a five-hour bus ride away. As more and more people leave, it feels like chunks of my life are relocating elsewhere. Still, I think I'm going to stay here. I feel as though this is the path that I've been given. The thought that I'm not here just wasting time and missing out is a bit of a comfort. It's less than ideal, but it's a comfort.

One thing is for certain: I don't look at the world the same way anymore. It's been a strange couple of days. I find that I'm reassessing everything in light of what feels like a totally new discovery -- that soul-changing feeling of stumbling across something incredible. I don't really know what it is, though. I think I'm falling in love with her all over again.

I'm worried for Manna. I want it to be everything that we're hoping it'll be. It's funny, though -- I was listening to Kendall Payne on the bus yesterday, and the lyrics "May your blessings be many, but not what you'd hoped they'd be" stuck out to me. I have a feeling I'm going to be in for a really messed-up surprise. My only prayer is that God is glorified -- I honestly don't (can't, to be more precise) care about how it happens. I feel utterly helpless right now. People tell me that's a good thing.

I'd like to be able to write more again, but time seems like such a rarity these days. I always feel like I have more to do. It can be a nerve-wracking experience at times, and while I do work best under pressure, it doesn't work when everything pressures all at once. Sometimes, the expectations are frustrating.

Kierkegaard, Milton, Melville, Yeats. The list of unfinished endeavours continues to grow. Someday I will read the Summa Theologiae... someday. Not today.

I honestly envy writers of past eras. I envy the philosophers and the masterminds who gathered in groups at pubs and coffee shops to discuss grand ideas and explore the unexplored together. I wish I had my own group of Inklings here. I wish I could meet someone, anyone, who cared more about the arts, about metaphysics and morality, about the romanticised ideal of university life, than studying and partying and maintaining a GPA. I don't think it's that much to ask for -- but at the same time, I get the sense that the world has martyred romanticism in order to meet the bottom line.

I miss her.

2 1/2

I imagine that on this day every year, as has been with every year past, I will feel the same way. I will count backwards in days and weeks and months and marvel at it all. Not in a single other event or circumstance of my life have beauty and joy and a sense of ordination come together so completely. On these days I realise what I ought to revel in with every waking moment: that there truly is such a thing as a love that transcends the flismy fabric of the intellect, a love that lives and breathes, a love that saves.

Two and a half. It feels more like a milestone of centuries than years; and at the same time, I struggle to convince myself that it was any more than two and a half minutes ago that this all began. I am torn in my sentiment between the comfort of years of familiarity and the sanity-robbing excitement of strange new things. But if my heart is divided, my will is entirely singular in its longing to be with you. I find myself counting money in increments of $91.60, scheming to dodge responsibilities in order to see you. Herein lies the tragedy -- it seems unjustifiably cruel that we should be separated on this of all days.

But we persevere, for love, by it and because of it. In the eyes of love, great distances have no dimensionality; stretches of time, which we have become so accustomed to counting down with bitter impatience, are exhausted in a heartbeat. Love is our strength and our hope.

I bow my head to Christ the King, in whom all things are possible. By the grace of God, impossibility has been commonplace in my life for two and a half years. By the grace of God, may my share of impossibilities be far from over.

eschatology

Well, I will be one of the first to admit that recently transpired (or still freshly unfolding) events have got me a bit unnerved. At the top of the list: the Ottawa Senators have secured themselves a solid second-place berth in the race for the title of Worst Team Ever this season. Daniel Alfredsson and his blond-haired, blue-eyed teammates are giving the Washington Capitals a run for their money. Oh wait, my mistake. The Senators wrote the book on suck in their inaugural year.

Speaking of blond hair and blue eyes, there's another troubling notion on the horizon: James Bond's days as a Briton (ethnically, anyways) are over. Damn, I can only imagine what that's going to do to the economy/Church of England/Earth's orbit.

Things have just generally been going crazy around the world these days, from North Korea shifting its economic production focus to something other than cheap cars and communists, to North Korean diplomats storming out of the UN, to North Korea psyching out the rest of the world about its foreign policies and "sending mixed messages" to CNN and all those who rely on it for credible information (e.g. the White House), to North Korea becoming a hot spot for multilingual Asian pop stars, to Bono building a summer home in North Korea. These strange going-ons in the universe at large have left me contemplating that solemn Gospel message: "Repent, for the end is near!" Thus I have dedicated several minutes of my free time to grappling with what may well be the apocalypse unfolding around us.

I believe the most compelling case made for the end of time has been with regards to the onset of the internet. All ye who hail from conservative circles (i.e. all of you) are familiar with the treacherous evils that the internet embodies. Noted and distinguished eschatologists, including the likes of Tom Cruise and Benny Hinn (who happens to hail from our very own Georges Vanier High School in Peanut Plaza, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, USA), have now pointed to some startling new evidence concerning the demonic nature of the internet. As if all of the foul content that abounds on the web at the touch of a button wasn't bad enough, we now know that Lawrence G. Roberts, Leonard Kleinrock, Robert Kahn and Vinton Cerf, the four founders of the internet, are also satanists.

And here's the kicker: notice the "www" that can be found at the beginning of most website addresses, or "URL"s. Take each individual "w" apart and what you might discover is that the letter is composed of two components: a "v" and an extension of the v, which appears most like an "i". "v" and "i". "V" and "I". "VI". "VI VI VI". 6 6 6.

And the Beast causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: and that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is 666.

THE INTERNET IS THE DEVIL. THE END OF TIME IS SURELY AT HAND. BUT THERE IS HOPE: FOR I OFFER A NEW REVELATION.

These are the Greek letters chi (X) and rho (P), the first two characters of the Greek Χριστός (Christos), known also to us as the labarum -- the military standard revealed to Constantine the Great in a vision and with the words "In hoc signo vinces" before his battle with Maxentius on the outskirts of Rome -- and consequently as a universal symbol of Christendom.



Ladies and gentlemen, hold your breaths. What you are about to see may shock you.



The end is near.

dissertation ii.

Creativity is the soul of art. With it we measure value, significance, and aesthetic appeal, and by it the success or failure of a particular piece is determined. It is imperative to note that creativity is quite unlike the quality of originality, stressing imagination over the creation of new and unique material; indeed, it embraces the integration and imitation of established ideas, encouraging synthesis in order to promote the forward development of art as a whole. The distinction between creativity and originality is of utmost importance, for the unfortunate folly of unrefined artistic criticism is to equate one with the other – an assessment that is decidedly forgivable, given the characteristic similarities between the two, but nonetheless erroneous and misleading.

Of all the artistic cultures that exist, this dichotomy of originality is most prevalent in literature. On the one hand, the limitations of vocabulary and grammatical construction invariably lead to problems of similarities between texts, which are compounded by the plebeian black art of plagiarism. Yet at the same time the dependence of new literature on previous accomplishments is undeniable; the literary tradition, and the individual works that comprise it, are the culmination of the contributions of millions of artists in dozens of civilizations over the course of thousands of years. What we must come to understand is that effective literature is not wholly original, and neither is it unintelligently replicated. It is, rather, the marriage of the old and the new, the creative addition of fresh ideas to the existing canon, an exemplification on a lesser scale of the evolution of the art of writing. And to this day, nowhere in the Western world is there a more creative integration of intertextual dependence than in the Inferno of Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy.

Dante was, without doubt, aware of the value of established literature and the potential of its application in his work. He was at the forefront of a movement to produce literature in the vernacular languages, and the Inferno was to be part of his attempt at accomplishing this spectacular feat. Dante was already a great admirer of the great Latin poets, especially Virgil, and alluding to or even directly referencing their works would immensely bolster his reputability and the likelihood of its success. The additional advantage that the Inferno had was its heavily religious theme, which not only fit well with the world views of his contemporaries, but also allowed him to draw parallels with the Christian Bible, which was the most authoritative source he could have hoped to have at the time. In this manner Dante drew on both classical and biblical intertextuality, and both carried equal significance through the course of his work.

The very premise of the Inferno, which chronicles the journey of the Pilgrim through the circles of Hell, is its own most obvious example of intertextuality, drawing on both classical and biblical sources. We are, of course, reminded of Aeneas’ descent into the underworld in Virgil’s Aeneid, a reference made all the more relevant and significant by the fact that Virgil himself is the Pilgrim’s guide through Hell. The biblical allusion is two-fold: first, literally, of the incarnation of Christ, his redemption of mankind, and his conquest of Hell in the time between his death and resurrection; and second, symbolically, of the necessity of every Christian to overcome sin – Hell – in order to receive God’s grace and be united with him. By establishing these associations, Dante contributes to the overall authority and effect of his poem.

To support this overarching premise, Dante continues to insert specific references of a smaller scale at different points in his narrative. In exploring his use of these direct intertextual connections throughout the body of his work, we would do well to categorize them beyond their classical or biblical source of inspiration. For the purpose of our discussion, we will attend to the distinction between the allusions made by Dante as the Poet and those of Dante as the Pilgrim, in likeness to the unique narrative styles employed in the Inferno. The allusions of the Poet are the allusions of concept, encompassing the structural and stylistic devices that are inherent within the poem itself but are of no immediate consequence to the events of the narrative. The allusions of the Pilgrim, by comparison, are those direct references made through the inclusion of personalities and events from other texts during the journey itself.

Dante seems to have taken a keen interest in the relationship between the structure of his poem and the number three, and this recurring pattern is the first of the major allusions of the Poet. The poem is divided into three sections, each correlating to a different family of sin – incontinence, violence, and fraud – and their respective locations within the geography of Hell. Inferno itself belongs, within a larger context, to the trilogy of The Divine Comedy, wherein each volume now correlates to a different stage of the spiritual journey: Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven. There are thirty-three cantos in the poem excluding the first, which is regarded as an introduction not to Inferno but to the entirety of the Comedy. His terza rima follows a scheme in which every other line rhymes three times in succession; these he further groups into tercets, which are short stanzas of three lines in length.

The prominence of triplets in the poetic structure of the Inferno is most likely intended to be interpreted as an appeal to religious authority. Indeed, within a traditional Christian context, three is an incredibly important and prevalent number. As a biblical allusion, it immediately brings to mind the theology of God as the Holy Trinity of Father, Son, and Spirit. The three days that Christ spent in the tomb before his resurrection, akin to the Pilgrim’s three day sojourn through Hell, are another possible reference.

Stylistically, the poem is equally resourceful, drawing on both classical and biblical bases for inspiration. In Canto II, faced with the daunting task of recounting his entire Easter experience, Dante cries out for assistance, “O Muses! O high genius! Help me now!” (7) His words echo a similar invocation, “Tell me the causes now, O Muse”, made by Virgil in line 13 of the first book of the Aeneid; and by making a parallel appeal to the narrative guidance of the Muses in this manner, Dante participates in an ongoing epic tradition that he hopes both to pay tribute to and, more importantly, to establish himself within. We ought also to consider his narrative style as a whole, which he has modeled in the form of a linear continuation of multiple, concise allegories that contribute to a larger theme. The approach often resembles the narrative style of the Bible, especially in its ability to be read literally rather than symbolically; this, again, must be seen as a deliberate imitation, through which Dante seeks to draw a clear relation between his work and the source from which it derives.

The allusions of the Poet share a common thread in their compelling appeal to authority. In shaping his poem’s structure and style around the classical standard of epic poetry and the biblical standard of religious drama, Dante has established his work as authoritative in both traditions. By comparison, then, the allusions of the Pilgrim are significant to the art of the Inferno in a slightly different manner. Rather than to establish the authority of the poem, these allusions seek to authenticate it as a genuine contribution to the classical and Christian repertoires.

From the first Canto we are introduced to the first of the allusions of the Pilgrim: Virgil, the Pilgrim’s guide and the personification of the classical validity of the poem. As a figure who, in Dante’s esteem, was the pinnacle of the ancient school of literates – worthy enough to be addressed by the Pilgrim as “O light and honour of the other poets” (I. 82) – his selection for the primary supporting role in much of the journey was a necessity. Clearly Dante also intended to include the character in order to equate himself to Virgil, given the parallels that can be drawn between his tale and the voyage of Aeneas, and in some respects to even elevate himself above the standing of his predecessor; yet these subtleties are all but invisible when we consider the credibility that the poem receives simply by the inclusion of the great Roman.

Expanding the applicability of the character of Virgil in the context of the Inferno and the Comedy as a whole, Dante indulges in his most explicit act of self-validation in the entire work by introducing the train of poets in Canto IV. Here, in the Limbo of the sinless pagans, the Pilgrim and his guide are approached by the shades of Homer, Horace, Ovid and Lucan, in order of precedence. They first honour Virgil as the greatest of their members, an act that indirectly verifies Dante’s high opinion of the poet; then they welcome the Pilgrim into their company, such that he “numbered sixth among such minds” (IV. 102). The implications are obvious, and it is understandable that Dante could not resist including the encounter in his account of the events in Limbo. The audacity of the claim is rivaled only by his insolence in Canto XXV, when Dante declares his art of the metamorphoses of the snakes in Hell to be perfect, without rival, and boasts, “Let Lucan from this moment be silent” (94) “and Ovid, too, with his Cadmus and Arethusa” (97), making his claim of superiority over the two great poets who had dabbled extensively in the subject in the past. It is possible that the entire episode was conceived solely to reinforce the earlier assertion of Dante’s place with the poets and, if such is the case, that he intended not only to count himself in their number, but to promote himself to at least fourth of the six in prominence, overcoming Ovid and Lucan who were at the rear of the train.

While he chose on many occasions to allude to past artists of influence by incorporating them directly as characters in his poem, Dante also seemed keen on populating Hell, at least in its outer circles, with the characters that featured in the works of these individuals. Thus the fictitious Hector and Aeneas occupy the same circle as Homer and Virgil, and in Canto V, we see traces even of Germanic traditions in the shade of Tristan and the story of Lancelot and Guinevere. One might expect that the inclusion of real historical figures with those born out of legend and myth would blur the lines between the literal and the symbolic, dulling the overall effect of the narrative; yet, to the contrary, this juxtaposition powerfully conveys the breadth of the Divine Will across all cultures and civilizations, through all time.

Another of Dante’s accomplishments in the Inferno was to Christianize the pagan mythos of classic literature. The entire geography of Hell is derived from and is an extension of the Roman underworld described in the Aeneid, which itself is an evolution of the Greek realm of Hades. The demonic masters and many of the residents of the circles are also drawn from classical mythology, but are given a place in the context of the newer Christian reality and act accordingly; as such we encounter Plutus, a Greek god who originally was never a malicious spirit but in Canto VII is portrayed as the horrific wolf-guard of the Fourth Circle, since there is no distinction between pagan and evil in Christian theology. This served a double purpose of authenticating Dante’s work as incorporating classical elements in spite of its modern religious themes, and of reconciling past understandings of death and the spiritual world in an appropriately Christian way.

Although much has so far been discussed of the intertextuality of Dante’s work with regard to the classical tradition, the biblical allusions of the Pilgrim are no less significant. A recurring motif is the number three and its manifestation throughout Hell. Each of the three sections of Hell contains three geographical circles, each of which punishes a different and more specific division of sin. Many demons and demonic features encountered by the Pilgrim involve sets of three: the Cerberus, guard-dog of the gluttons in Canto VI who reared “three filthy heads” (31); the three Furies that appeared at the top of the tower of Dis in Canto IX; Geryon, the three-bodied giant who provided transportation to the Eighth Circle in Canto XVII; and finally Lucifer himself, who with three faces and three mouths gnaws on the heads of sinners in Canto XXXIV. As these triplets pertain to the structure of Hell, it is plausible to assume that each is a deliberate perversion and mockery of the Holy Trinity, used by Dante to depict the harsh reality of the repulsiveness of evil.

The entirety of the Inferno is laced with countless references to biblical stories and figures. There are, of course, the many mentions of God, and of his Christ, whose grace and love direct the movement of the Pilgrim through Hell in spite of the opposition he faces. The sins that are punished are all sins as defined by Christianity, with their roots being found in biblical texts. Some of Dante’s writing mirrors actual excerpts of scripture; most notably, when Virgil commends the Pilgrim for his wrathful outburst against Phlegyas, saying, “[B]lessed is she in whose womb you were conceived” (VII. 45). A parallel passage concerning Christ and the Virgin Mary, in which a similar phrasing exists, can be found in the Gospel of St. Luke, 1:28, and also happens to be the foundation of the Catholic Hail-Mary prayer. The constant, consistent biblical grounding that Dante strives for in this manner helps to maintain his focus on the religious aspect of the journey, which is its core.

Theology, although not directly biblical and rather derived from a summative interpretation of biblical precepts, nonetheless plays an integral role in the intertextuality of Dante and his Inferno. St. Bernard and his proposition of the Three Advents of Christ – the first, when Christ was incarnated as a man; the third when he is to return for the Last Judgment; and the second, his continual, daily salvation of Christians – were of particular interest to Dante, who applied the concept repeatedly in both a figurative and a literal manner. The events of Canto IX, before the gates of the city of Dis, when a heavenly being descends to force a way through Hell for the Pilgrim and his guide, can be seen as a parallel to the First Advent, while numerous references are made to the coming of the Third, and the judgment and resurrection of bodies that are to accompany it. The entire voyage, through Hell and eventually into Paradise, is symbolic of Christ’s Second Advent.

Perhaps the most prevalent of the theological influences of the poem, however, is the concept of contrapasso, first set out by St. Thomas Aquinas. It is, after all, this idea of condign punishment for the committal of sins which drives all of the imagery and symbolism seen in the Inferno. According to its law, which Dante has masterfully lifted from the Summa Theologica and applied to his vision of Hell, sinners must suffer a punishment that either closely resembles or starkly contrasts with their own evil act. The concept is most exemplified in Canto XXVIII, when the Pilgrim meets Bertran de Born in the Ninth Bolgia. Bertran holds his head, severed from his neck, in his hand, a punishment for sowing dissention within a family and severing the bond between father and son: of the irony of his resulting decapitation, he had only to proclaim, “In me you see the perfect contrapasso!” (XXVII. 142) The use of the ideas of these theologies gives the Inferno an authenticity and credibility that it would otherwise have lacked, especially to a Christian audience; and, as with his integration of any other allusive forms in his work, brings to fruition Dante’s ultimate goal – the progression of writing as an art form.

The idea that progress can only be found in the appeal to the literary tradition of the past is not as counterintuitive as it might initially seem. Without the knowledge of where one has been, after all, how can one know where to proceed? And how can artistic endeavour be progressive when every new piece is entirely original, bearing no connection to the last? Literature, like all art, is dependent on former accomplishment; it builds on the successes and avoids the failures of its vast experience. Intertextuality, as Dante realized, is thus a necessary practice for artistic achievement. It embodies the passage of knowledge within the tradition. When executed properly it is a discipline in itself, demanding by virtue of its unoriginality an incomparable amount of creativity on the part of the artist. It is an honest admission of the fact that we stand on the shoulders of giants who have preceded us, and a humble recognition of the contributions they have made to our art.

dissertation i.

aly says:
i've realized sufjan stevens has really really weird names for his songs

ren says:
hahaha
it's not! classical music is really user-friendly

ren says:
haha yeah

ren says:
he was somewhere near the front of a trend that eventually caught on and killed the popular music industry

ren says:
the killer blow was probably "sexyback -- futuresex/lovesounds"

ren says:
i wish music would just go back to normal
i want a really good college rock band

ren says:
instead everyone's just trying to be really queer
and... they aren't appealing to me haha

aly says:
haha yeah its a bit weird

ren says:
haha

ren says:
honestly though
this is part of the ratzinger article i had to read

ren says:
the cult of the ugly
where people think the real truth about life and reality is ugliness and not beauty, and so art starts to show ugliness instead of beauty

ren says:
i think a lot of this weirdo stuff goes back to that
that, and the whole idea now that weird is cool and good for your identity
cause you need to be unique somehow, if in every other way you're just 1/6-billionth of the global human machine

ren says:
so then you get things like the ipod

aly says:
ahahh

aly says:
to follow along with the trends?

ren says:
well, initially to not follow the trends
to ditch the mainstream by creating a sub-culture, an underground

ren says:
an "indie scene"

ren says:
gosh
if someone really started a nuclear war, it might actually do us some good in getting us to think about what actually matters

aly says:
i agree that ppl should start thinking more about what really matters and not whats cool and whatever

aly says:
the indie scene is the trendy thing now

ren says:
yeah
people buy in with no appreciation of the values that made it attractive to begin with
the fact that people were making a statement against corporate america

ren says:
now it's totally flipped around, because people in the indie scene make more than the corporate monsters do
so it really defeats the whole purpose, and they've totally killed the heart and soul of indie

ren says:
i seem to be quite opinionated today
i think i'm going to blog about this

aly says:
hahahah

save me

I waited patiently for you here
For how long, I cannot say
And all along, I hoped, against all fear
That I would be found.
I sought you out, for I longed to see you
Wherever I went, I called out your name
And listened for news of your passage
But heard nothing.
So I waited, and prayed you would find me
But you have not come.

I have done all that you asked of me
And more. And yet,
I have nothing to show for it
For you have done naught that I asked of you.
I would have been content just to know
That you would stand as a friend by my side
And that I would have your love
But even in this have I been denied.
My cries for help have gone unanswered
And I am alone.

I have lost
I have lost all motivation, all desire
To strive forward, for there is nowhere to go
But down, into the fire.
I have lost faith
I have lost faith in this cycle
I have lost faith in myself
I have lost faith in you.
I have lost everything
I have nothing left.

I mean not to trouble you
And am all too aware of how busy you must be
I make only one final request:
That you would give me reason to believe
In a world full of hatred and sin
In a love incarnate in wine and bread
In a salvation for a heartless man
In a God who resurrects the dead.
And if this is too much to ask
Of the God of Heaven above and Earth below
The Creator of the universe
The Christos, Logos, Pantokrator
The Counselor and Baptismal Dove
The God of the Covenants
The August, Benevolent, Magnanimous God
Who heals the sick and feeds the hungry
Who crushes injustice and proclaims the Truth
Who holds the world in the palm of his hand
Who formed the universe out of nothing
Who stands outside of space and time
Who is, and was, and will always be
If one simple answer is too much to ask
Of a God, omnipotent, omniscient, and just
Then faith has no meaning to me anymore
And in God I no longer can place my trust
For if I will not be heard and then answered
I would much rather never be heard at all
Than to have my cry for help be recieved
By a God who is powerless to heed my call.

alien

The word "alien", in one form or another, seems to have recently become a cornerstone of my vocabulary. While I don't claim to run SETI when my computer is idling, the concept is a particularly fascinating one. Aliens, from outer space: entirely foreign beings, whose undoubtedly unique and extraordinary characteristics (x-ray vision and asexual reproductive systems, just to name a few) make them largely incompatible with the physical and social climate of the planet Earth. Note that the term "alien" never appears in utopian science-fiction climates like Star Trek (which prefers to refer to "life forms" and "beings"), where species of different stellar origins have learned the value of egalitarian coexistence; we find instead that "alien" becomes synonymous with the unknown, the unfamiliar, and the potentially hostile -- upon hearing the word, we recall malevolent creatures that abducted Mulder's sister and impregnated Scully (and Kane, and the dog, and Ripley, for that matter).

Of course, at a time, the word was used to describe people of foreign ethnic origin; and, if its connotations were the same then as they are now, one can only imagine the implications it had for those unfortunate enough to be labelled by it. Here we also come across the linguistically related "alienation" -- the process of being made into an alien, of being transformed from a state of familiarity to one of aberrance and inconsonance. This, in particular, is the alien-word that I've lately been thinking about the most. My experience of it comes in two separate but related forms: alienation from the love of others, and alienation from the love of God.

(Intermission.)

It's strange. I meant to write more, but I realise now that I have no insights, nothing to say, no conclusions to draw. The alienation I've described is an alienation I still feel at this very moment. It's not a complete one, because I cannot and will not deny that I am loved by some to an ineffable, unquantifiable extreme. I'd imagine that my Sunday school response concerning the love of God ought to be the same. Still, when the people and the God who love me are all so far away, the theoretical reality and the practical experience are irreconcilably different. I will not deny being given sufficient reason to believe in love's existence and power on a daily basis, in such a way that I can sleep at night in the comfort of knowing that I am loved; still, I very tangibly and disturbingly wake up every morning in the crushing emptiness of loneliness and desolation.

Someone once told me that the course of my life would be marked by suffering. I would hardly be inclined to call this experience "suffering"; still, I am unable to imagine anything that could feel worse. To be deprived of love is to be deprived of joy, and even of real sorrow; a loss of love hardens the heart, and poisons the mind with apathy. To be deprived of love is to be deprived of the very air that the soul breathes.

Alienation is, at least for now, a reality that I've rather automatically accepted. The true test of faith was in whether or not I could believe that my loss was gain. I am, as it were, a short-sighted man, and mine is the way of infinite resignation; unable and unwilling to see beyond the horizon, I have done what was asked of me with a despairing heart. I still strive to work out my salvation with fear and trembling, but the test is failed -- and the rest is now utterly meaningless.

i

I miss her.